Kings and A Queen Time Line and Maps

Passages of the Prophets, a board game

Passages of the Prophets

Are you or some you know struggling

with  the loss of a loved one this

 Holiday Season?

Laura Petherbride, author of When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t” has some practical advice to give. 

• Prepare. The ambush of emotions can attack at any time, therefore the wisest response is to prepare beforehand. Pinpoint a time that you believe may be particularly difficult such as Christmas morning. Then determine a plan beforehand.• Accept. The difficulty of this time of year may be a reminder of your loss. Remember that it’s a season and it will pass. Don’t feel guilty if your goal for the holidays this year is to “get through it.”• Socialize. Don’t hibernate. Insecure feelings may tempt you to isolate, but force yourself to go out even if it’s only for a short time.• Lower your expectations. Movies and songs often paint a very unrealistic picture of the holidays. Most people don’t have a Norman Rockwell family, it’s OK.• Don’t Anesthesize the pain with drugs or alcohol. Numbing emotional distress with chemicals often creates more depression and anxiety. Plus you may do something you will regret.• Leave them alone. If old ornaments or trimmings cause too much pain don’t hang them this year. Put them aside for another time. Avoid fragrances, music, or locations that may trigger sadness.• Get up and move. Take care of your physical well-being. Healthy foods will give you strength; fattening foods and sugar can make you sluggish or worsen depression. Exercise produces natural stress reducers.• Shop online if going to the mall is too stressful. But watch for over spending as it may be a negative coping mechanism with disastrous results.• Coping Strategy. Have the phone number of your counselor, church, close friend or hotline already taped to your phone. Make the commitment to call someone if negative thoughts become intense. Seek out a support group that specializes in your loss, many of them have events targeted to ease the pain during the holidays.• Light. Get sunshine. Winter can take its toll on our emotions due to a loss of sun we experience. Take a walk during lunch if necessary.• Set boundaries. Precisely explain to your family and friends what you are capable of doing this year, and what you aren’t. Don’t let others guilt you into taking on more than you can handle.• Understand others. People who have never suffered loss may not understand your sadness or sorrow during the holidays. In particular if your loss isn’t obvious such as the death of a loved one, you may need to explain why you are struggling.

• Be creative. Do something completely different this year. Visit a friend, take a cruise, go to the mountains or the beach, go skiing or hiking. Find someone else who may be struggling this year and brainstorm. The list is endless.

by Melody Huffman  

“Ja foi!” These are the Portuguese words for “he is already gone.” The Brazilian doctor spoke these words to us, August 9, 1991. Our seven-year-old son, Matthew had battled for fifty-two hours in the hospital with spinal meningitis. His heart could battle no more. The unthinkable was happening to us. Our son died before we did. Ja foi. He is gone. We had a funeral in Brazil thirty-six hours after he died. By the grace of God, many whom we will never know, helped cut through the beaurocratic red tape enabling us to bring Matthew to Happy, Texas for burial.      The harsh reality is children die. In the last three weeks, I am aware of a seven-year-old boy falling from an amusement ride. A ten-year-old girl was killed when a drunk driver hit her family’s car. Recently, over two-dozen young people were gunned down at school.

      How do you comfort someone who has lost a child? What do you do? What do you say? A child’s death leaves us with many unanswered questions. I’d like to share some things we experienced with our son’s death; things that brought comfort and others that poured vinegar on gaping wounds. It is my hope and prayer this article will in some way help you to comfort someone.

      First, let me mention some things that bring comfort. The first and foremost thing you can do for your friend who loses a child is BE THERE! No matter how uncomfortable you are, you are needed. The closer your friendship, the greater the need to be there. If you are eighty or ninety years old with a heart condition, then it makes sense that you can’t be there. However, if you are healthy, be there. You will want to stay away because you feel guilty your child is alive and well. Your discomfort and heartache is nothing compared to the parents who are burying their child.

      A dear friend sent a beautiful basket of kalanchoes with a note reading, “We do not grieve as those without hope. I love you.” How true I Thessalonians 4:13 is. Another sent ivy with a note saying, “We loved him, too.” The church in Happy sent an arrangement with a ribbon reading “our precious Matthew”.

      I have saved every card, letter, and floral card we received. Each of those is very precious to me. Send a card. Send a note. Let the family know you are thinking of them. Send one now; send one in three months or later. Just let them know you remember too.

      When a child dies and there are surviving siblings old enough to grasp death, they will wonder, “Would Mom and Dad be this upset if I died? Why does everyone think of Mom and Dad? Why don’t they think of me, too? I lost my brother, my best friend. How much longer can Mom cry? Why doesn’t Dad cry?” They need to be remembered, too. At the dinner for us in Happy, an older lady of the community made cupcakes with bluebonnets on them with an attached note to Micah, our nine-year-old son, making him feel special and loved in such a strained time. Before leaving for Brazil we had lived in Happy. This sweet lady hosted the school children in her home each Spring to view the Texas Bluebonnets. She chose to comfort us by remembering Micah. A friend of my parents sent a card to him with $10 for him to spend any way he wanted.

      A stranger related to extended family hugged us just like she knew us. Two weeks later, we received ten small-embroidered frames with sayings taken from Matthew’s funeral. Four now hang in our home. The others hang in our parents’ homes. Such a precious, and unique way to offer comfort.

      Another friend, who had lost a teen-age son suddenly to an aneurysm several years earlier, called us in Brazil. Carolyn, with tears, said, “If I could change one thing about Kyle’s funeral, I would be the one to close the casket and tuck him in one last time.” At the close of the Brazilian funeral, Monty and I together closed the little faceplate of the white wooden body-shaped coffin. We were the last to see his face, not total strangers. Some moments in life are bittersweet.

      Many think they must say something to the bereaved family. A hug is all that is needed. I want to share some of the comments that were made to us which were not comforting. My reaction is in (parentheses). I will be responding as a mother with fresh, raw grief.

      “You still have other children.” (“Excuse me! Which of your children would you rather bury?”)

      “You’re young. You can have other children. You can always adopt.” (“Excuse me! One child does not replace another child. Which of your children are you willing to replace? And by the way, I had a hysterectomy in ’86. Our family will always have a hole that only Matthew can fill.”)

      “Remember, you are not the only person to loose a child.” (“I know that’s true, but I am the one right now who will no longer hear the music of my child’s voice.”)

      “It’ll be hard, but you will adjust to your house being empty. When my son went off to college…” (“STOP! Going off to college and death; there is NO comparision!”)

      “God won’t give us more than we can bear.” (“Are you saying my son died because I am a strong person and God doesn’t give us more than we can bear? Are you saying because I am strong my son died? Are you saying you are weak and that is why your child is alive? I thought God was no respecter of persons.”)

      “I don’t see how you are handling this. I know I couldn’t.” (“Hey, I didn’t ask to handle this. I didn’t ask for my child to die. I have no choice but to continue.”)

      Don’t tell surviving siblings, “God knew he/she might not obey Him when they are older so He took them now.” (Please don’t say this to them. You are not God.)

      A well-meaning friend, trying to empathize with us eight months after Matthew died said, “I didn’t know how you felt until my cat died. It’s awful to lose someone you love.” (“Your cat? My son!” For some reason, all I could do was laugh inside.)

      On a more comforting note, a friend from high school wrote, “I think Satan attacked you in the only way he could find that might make your faith waver. I can’t imagine the ache you must be experiencing. We are all praying for you, not only for comfort in your time of grief, but also for strength to know that God still cares for you and loves you. He aches with you because He watched a son suffer, too. I hurt for you. I encourage you to lay the blame where it belongs, on Satan. We are praying.” (“Sharlen, I don’t know where you are, but if you read this, bless you dear friend. Your words still echo in my heart to this day and give me strength when I need it the most.”)

      Another sweet family in Happy told us to pick out the memorial stone we wanted and they would pay for it.

      So many are around when the death occurs and for the funeral. Then everyone, even extended family goes back to their routines. Life must go on. Call the family weekly or even daily. Just chitchat about the weather. Offer to take the children for ice cream. Offer to take Mom out for lunch. Offer to stay with the children so that Mom and Dad can go out together.

      Pray for the family. Counselors say one of the greatest stresses a person can endure is the loss of a child under the age of ten. A mother’s grief is so different from a father’s grief, they often don’t know how to help each other. Proverbs 14:10, “Each heart knows its own bitterness and no one else can share its joy.” Take in meals. This always comes in handy, especially as reality sits in. The laundry is less. There is one less shoe to find, one less plate and glass to wash. It’s the little things that tear open the healing wound left by the death of a child and massages it with vinegar.

      If the mother or father mentions their child, don’t change the subject. Just listen. If they ask questions, say, “I don’t know.” The truth is only God knows. Just be there. If they are angry with God, acknowledge it and tell them God understands. He is angry about death too. He only gives us every good and perfect gift, James 1:17.

      In a similar way, many suffer a miscarriage. This type of grief is often ignored. After all there was no funeral. I have learned in the last several years, these mothers remember their estimated due date. They remember the day the baby stopped moving. They remember the day they cramped horribly and passed the baby. They remember and hurt. We need to be mindful of them, too. 

      The death of a child is unnatural, be it a miscarriage, a disease, an accident, or a violent death. It doesn’t matter if they were newborn or fifty. They still died before their time. When a child dies, it leaves us with unanswered questions. The truth is, there are no answers in this life. Just be there!

This article is copyrighted by the author. All Rights Reserved. No part of this article may be reprinted without permission of the author.

©Copyright 2007    http://christianmirror.com/whenachilddies.htm

 

The Fragrance of Christ

by Melody Huffman

As you read the following words, reflect on the sensation that each word brings to mind: freshly mowed grass, rain, watermelon, dirty diapers, baking bread, a skunk, roses, and your favorite perfume.

Fragrance is around us everywhere.  Even the world economy has picked up on
the idea of fragrance.  We have perfumed soaps, lotions, candles, stationary, bath oils, shampoos and much much more.

The Bible talks about Fragrance also.  We read in 11Corinthians 2:15, “For we are to God the fragrance of Christ among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing.”   Were you aware that each of us has a fragrance to God?

Many places in the Bible talk about pleasing fragrances.  After the flood, Noah offered up sacrifices to God that was said to be a pleasing aroma. Genesis 8:20.

In Leviticus 2:1-3, God commanded the Israelites to put oil and frankincense on their grain offerings, so they would be a “sweet savor to the Lord.”

John 12 recounts the story of Mary anointing the feet of Jesus shortly before he was crucified and the aroma filled the whole house.

Then we read in Ephesians 5:2 “you must live a life of love, just as Christ loved us, and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”  It is hard to imagine how God could enjoy the aroma of such a sacrifice.  But it was the love expressed in this deed that was fragrant to God.

Finally, in Philippians 4 we read that the gifts the brethren sent to Paul were described as “a fragrant and acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God.”

What kind of fragrance do you emit to God?  Is it pleasing?  Or does it just have the appearance of being pleasant?  Is God pleased with our attitudes, our deeds, and our faith in Him?

There are many kinds of lovely flowers in the world: roses, violets, lilies, orchids, marigolds, carnations and more.  While they all look beautiful in bouquets and corsages, they do not all smell good.  As a matter of fact, some are offensive!  Orchids are lovely but have very little fragrance. Marigolds are also beautiful, but are repugnant.  Even to insects!!!  But look at the tiny violets.  Small as they may be, they have a very sweet fragrance.

How are we in God’s sight?  Do we have the sweet and pleasant aroma of a violet?  Or are we like the orchid, beautiful but very little fragrance?  Or are we the marigold, beautiful but repugnant?

The scriptures tell us the key in Colossians 3:17: “Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord.”

Let us all resolve in our hearts to be more like the violet, tiny but fragrant and not a marigold, which only has the appearance of fragrance.

Copyright Melody Huffman, February 1, 2001
All scripture is from the New International Bible.

There is no magic age, such as 12 or 13, when child decides to be responsible for themselves.  For some it is sooner, for others it is later.

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